Andrew Robb and Tony Smith announced the much-awaited Coalition wasteband policy today, saying that if electrocuted, Tony’s government would install a more modest wasteband than the massively-overcommitted Labor Broadband.

The Co’s wasteband featured :

·         An investment of $8.35 over two years

·         A large ball of wet string and two chopped tomato tins washed and dried.  Mr Robb added that his government was supporting Australian industry and was eschewing La Gina product and going for the Edgell finely-chopped variety.

·         Coalition technology specialists said that the high speed analogue installation was good for no bits per second (unless there was some residual tomato).

·         They added that carbon capture guru Tom Switzer was developing a work-around for rural users facing the threat of the string drying out due to drought conditions in the Barcoo.

Under the Co’s plan, two houses were probably going to be linked, provided that they were neighbours.  Negotiations were well advanced with residents adjacent to Joe Hockey’s place.

Joe Hockey (the Minister for Waisteband) stressed that this was no Labor white elephant, but was less clear in answering the question “Well what kind of elephant are you, Joe ?”.  Shortly after that Mark Latham was ejected from the press conference.

Manne, the Pig’s Arms reporter spotted Julie Bishop with a packet of Gro-plus and a bag of lawn seed on her way to working up the Coalition’s environment policy….. or grassing up Christopher Pyne’s unicorn.